A friend suggested that the experience I wrote about in last week’s blog post amounted to a deep surrender, one of those moments of “I give up” that becomes “Here, take this” and transforms as I allows something greater to take over. And transform it did, as the next day a breakthrough arrived at my door. My program of self-therapy made way for a moment of pure grace.
My Personal Groundhog Day
I’ve been struggling with my career and income for, oh, forty years, chronically under-earning, under-satisfied, under-this and under-that. Having written about and empowered myself to embrace my designation as a flitter doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I need to get money in the bank. Sometimes the money situation gets uncomfortably tight.
It just happens that I’m about halfway though a course called Heart of Money that promises to transform my relationship with money. I believe that‘s happening. Grounded in Sufi teachings and focused on fostering a living relationship with the Divine by activating the heart’s wisdom, the course is working on a deep level.
I’d stayed up late on Thursday, and as the night wore on, I heard myself angsting over how I was going to bring more income in. And as usual, I angsted over not only that, but how in general I was going to find my place in the world of work, find my right work and live my purpose, as I’ve done one million times over.
Something I Can’t Help But Be
I heard it, really heard it, and something lifted. I went to bed feeling sure that 1) Finding beautiful work is easy, and 2) I will always be my purpose, no matter what I do.
I wrote in my journal that night, “Easy for me = something I’m good at that I enjoy doing. I don’t have to bother adding valuable to others, making a contribution, being of service, etc., This is who I am. Period.”
In my journal the next morning I continued, ‘It’s really not as complicated as I’m making it. I’m done fighting with life, myself, the Impulse, done wrestling with fear. I simply am ready to accept and receive beautiful, easy ways to earn more money and support myself with ease. I don’t have to worry and angst over that it’s meaningful, makes a difference…. I am that. I can quit being afraid I’m going to miss the boat on that. I am that. Folding napkins. Listening. Writing. Thinking. Evaluating. Eating. Cooking. I am that.’
It’s Impossible to Prove Worthiness
I realized other things too:
‘My relationship with money is such that I use it to make a statement: Everything hasn’t lined up yet, it’s not ready, I’m not perfect, something’s wrong, I’m not right, I’m out of the loop, etc., etc., etc. I use it to prove a point: I haven’t found my way. I’m a failure. See? I have no money…. Money doesn’t have to perform. I don’t have to perform.’
It is actually impossible to prove worthiness. Repeat: It’s impossible to prove worthiness. Worthiness is inherent. Trying to prove worthiness just reinforces its opposite.
Learning to Love Yourself is the End of Searching for Love
I’m reading SARK’s Succulent Wild Love, which I’ll be reviewing soon on this blog. (The post is scheduled for this coming Saturday, February 13.) SARK uses the word succulent intentionally, because succulents take in water, store it, then feed themselves when they need it. We can do that with love. We can learn to love ourselves.
I tried SARK’s advice and asked my Inner Wise Self a question today. Simply, what’s up with the seeming lack of flow in my work and money? What should I do?
Here’s the answer I received:
Desperation is your energy and doesn’t serve you.
Trust, love, service, gratitude, fun, lightness and en-joy-ment serve you and attract others.
Ask yourself every day, “What would be fun to offer? What is right there for me to take? What am I willing to receive? What can I give?”*
This will guide you to be on the right and lovely flow for you.
Share this in your blog. People need to hear this, and you need to express it.
You are deeply loved and still learning. No fault, no shame, no wrong. Simply learning. In some ways you are brand new at this, as you are also an old soul. It is okay to not know. You are guided and protected always.
With deep love,
Your Inner Wise Self
*The four flows: Offer, Take, Give, Receive. How cool is that?
In the Flow
“What would be fun to offer?” There’s that word “fun” again. Okay, still working on that one. In any case, I’m asking the questions. I’m offering. Looking for invitations and opportunities to “take.” Giving, receiving. I’m in the flow, and it’s not what I pictured or feared. I’m neither floating effortlessly nor drowning. Turns out, I can swim.
“Nothing” seems to be happening, but I know that appearances are just that, and I still live in the 3-D world, where stuff takes time. And while “nothing” happens, there is a quiet revolution going on: Those thoughts still come up, but I don’t believe them. It’s that simple. I’m not buying it anymore.
No matter what I do, in every minute of my day, I am living my purpose, being of service, dedicating the moment to healing. That is just who I am.
Owning who I am and trusting that I can’t be other than that is giving me the courage to taking new actions. Instead of tolerating discomfort and accepting my shortcomings as a destination, I’m now able to care for my life in new, concrete ways, by taking actions different from what I’ve been able to take up until now.
There’s a lot I could say about this in terms of my history, but I’m not going backwards for reckoning. I’m untying knots, retelling stories and very much making up new ones as I go. The important thing is, I’m swimming. And I think I may even be having a little more fun.