I spent the day feeling as if I were caught in the undertow, pulled upside down and flailing. I was so clear when I woke up. I gave myself the day to finally grab hold and tackle a few things, make some headway. I did do some things. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
I asked Everyone Who Helps Me (one of my many terms for the G-Word) to help me heal some weirdness I’ve felt about the organizer of an event I want to participate in. Then I picked a Soul Message card with the message, “The World Is Blessed That You Are Here” and sent it to her with my registration.
I tweaked an audio file of a meditation I recorded on my phone and sent it out to my mastermind group. I wrote them an email and posted to the Facebook page.
I listened to two more modules in the online training program that I’m doing to learn how to build my business and create great programs. I took notes.
I made supper and made sure there were green veggies and ate them.
But as the planet Mercury raced across the face of the sun, I had a headache, all day. I felt antsy, disorganized, jumpy and queasy. I kept thinking I should go out, but the idea of getting behind the wheel was abhorrent. All the things I did do were not the one thing I really felt the urgency to do, and that is tackle a lot of tasks for my business, every task screaming, “Who are you and what do you do?”
I couldn’t face them.
At dinner, my partner and I had a rambling conversation and ended up talking about how insecure some people feel when they can’t pigeon-hole you in terms of role: gender, position, family status, etc.
That’s when it hit me that I’m scared.
I’m scared of the person I can’t pigeonhole for you, because in my heart I know I have to fly out of the stereotype I try to be and try not to be, depending on which one I think you’ll like, and just be myself.
So, I’m scared of you, too.
I’m scared of my dreams, because they are completely out of hand now that I’m working on them. And at the same time, they feel irrelevant.
Irrelevant in that way that something can seem vast and minuscule at the same time. Because, really, having a dream is a privilege. It’s a luxury. With or without it, I still have to show up in the third dimension and be kind and give when it’s indicated and keep learning how to love, and keep doing my best to be a citizen of this unfathomably weird and complex world.
I’m scared because there are people whose houses are burning up, and they’re fleeing. And I truly wanted to open my home to someone. Or is it that I can afford to imagine I want to open my home to someone, because they’re so far away?
I’m scared no matter which one of those is true.
I’m scared because I never get any exercise and I don’t care, except I’ve finally started expanding outside my comfort zone in too many ways, and I don’t like it.
What’s scaring you? That person you can’t pigeonhole, because you’re not sure if they’re male or female, married, or what? And that person might be you?
A bunch of responsibilities you’re pretty sure you’re not up to, and you’re pretty sure they’re going to fall to you anyway?
Something coming inevitably down the pike that you want to prepare for but you know you can’t because there won’t be enough time no matter how much time there is?
A dream, desire or longing you finally started listening to that you have to pay attention to now, because you can’t fool yourself by ignoring it, even though it’s painful either way, because you don’t think you can do it?
Me too. I’ve noticed that the things I dealt with last year that are coming around again aren’t throwing me like they did before. But there’s a whole new crop of things that sometimes drive me to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, holy fuck, and not be able to articulate it any better than that.
It occurred to me after our after-dinner discussion that it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to feel insecure and alarmed. It’s way okay to name it, because already I feel that my mysterious malaise of today is less mysterious, which takes away that top layer of uh-oh, I’m coming down with something chronic, progressive and debilitating.
You know what I’m coming down with? Aliveness. Perspective. Desire. I’m waking up to that I can create some of this, and I can do some things, and be a better person, and keep expanding my potential. I’m actually participating in life, my life, our life.
By not owning my fear, I stuffed myself into a corner of crazy there for a while today, where all I wanted to do was numb out. Trust me, there was not enough food in the house to do the trick. By not naming it, I became stuck in it. I cut myself off from the movement of it.
I couldn’t see the place where fear starts to become excitement, where the unknown beckons with something more like invitation than danger. I turned my awareness from possibility to certainty there for a while. And it sucked.
I sat right down and wrote this once I realized what was going on, because it’s so important to be afraid sometimes. It’s so important to live in the question, forego conclusions, and invite in the unknown. And once I’m able to see that I’m afraid, I can ask a very empowering question, one that’s been helping lift so much weight off of me recently.
The question is, “Who does this belong to?” Because paralyzing fear isn’t mine. It’s conditioning. Conditioning is the belief that life is dangerous, that the unknown is a threat, that I should limit my consciousness and be dependent on circumstances, that I was put here to be nice and not have a voice. That being paralyzed and staying put are natural and normal and safe.
That’s why I’m happy I’m afraid. That is, I’m happy that I know I’m afraid. Because that knowledge helps the fear blossom into what it heralds – something, perhaps, that’s never been in my life. Something unknown, something that defies stereotype and shows me I’m not who I think I am and you aren’t who I think you are, and it’s much better than I thought.
Rather than getting stuck in fear and concluding that this is where you’ll be forever, look around and appreciate its presence in your life. Ask how it may be coloring your decisions, world view and choices. Your willingness to take next steps, try new things, reach out to new people, to implement an idea or a strategy, complete something, think outside the box, and have fun.
If your enjoyment factor has gone away, the fear has taken center stage and started to take over the production. What’s one tiny thing could you do to take back your experience?
Despite the fact that I was sick with fear and in a trance of conditioning for most of the day, my practice of listening to myself and being open to taking wisdom from every moment helped me to feel the truth resonating in my being when a “chance” conversation unlocked my awareness and helped me begin breathing again.
What do you do to listen to yourself and express your unmanageable truths? How are you present in a way that helps you love yourself forward no matter how uncomfortably stuck you may be feeling?
Remember Rumi and his field, out beyond right and wrong? What if there were a way to be afraid that didn’t make it a wrong way to feel and that didn’t make you wrong for feeling it? What if we celebrated fear, so that all the more quickly we could understand the gifts it brings us? What if we could receive the gifts sooner, more fully, and with a clearer heart if we weren’t afraid of fear?
Till next time, thanks for reading and stay in touch.
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by Phyllis Capanna © 2016 joyreport
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